Yesterday you would have belonged to one of two groups. Either you were the kind of person who was holding a street party, had bought fifteen different types of wedding memorabilia, and cried straight as Kate Middleton stepped out of her car to go into Westminster Abbey, and then constantly at various points throughout the day.
Alternately, you wouldn’t have cared at all, failing to see how the marriage of two strangers affected your life whatsoever, and saw the whole day as not a celebration of love and being British, but instead purely an excuse to go down the pub and start drinking at 10am.
I thought I would be in the second group…but SOMEHOW, at 11pm on the 28th of April, I ended up moving to the first.
Me and Hannah had a mini party yesterday…Cava and Bucks Fizz were involved…we watched the whole thing from start to finish, despite having to do bibliographies for dissertations at the same time. In Hannah’s words – “We became the people we had previously ridiculed”
The newspapers today have analysed the whole wedding, second by second, to death. But really, why do you need those people when you’ve got us to give our expert opinions?! Here’s a run down of all the crucial moments from our perspective. Warning: we may become embarrassingly over-enthusiastic when we get to the ‘double kiss’ and ‘Aston Martin’ sections. We may also use the terms ‘K.Middy’ or ‘P.Willy’ because we like it. Don’t judge.
THE DRESS
The first big moment of the day was Kate Middleton emerging from her hotel for the first time. The world waited with baited breath. It was like that horrible ridiculously-long pause Dermot leaves before announcing The X Factor winner. Times a million. And then she came out… fair enough she got bundled in the car so we didn’t see much of the dress straight away, but we knew there was a train, and we knew there was a lot of lace (already she was defying expectation).
As she travelled to Westminster Abbey, a ‘fashion expert’ on the BBC helpfully informed us, “There seems to be a lot of lace there. We will have to see whether it’s just lace on the shoulders, or lace all the way down, you never know’ Well we did know, love. 1) We’re not blind 2) The girl’s going to a royal wedding, she’s not going to rock up in a wedding dress made entirely of lace. Where would you even get something like that from? Ann Summers? Anyway…
She arrived, she stepped out onto the red carpet, and we saw this:
Designed by Sarah Burton, creative director for Alexander McQueen, it was elegant and timeless. It didn’t ‘wow’ me, but that’s because I expected something which would show off her figure more. And I forgot the veil would have to cover her hair. Her lovely, lovely hair! But this dress was never meant to be My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, it was supposed to be My Big Fat I’m-Going-To-Be-A-Bloody-Princess Wedding. The night before, Kate Middleton went to bed a ‘normal’ girl (as normal as you can be when you went to boarding school and St Andrews. But I’ll keep convincing myself she’s ‘one of us commoners’) knowing when she woke up she had to convince everyone she was suited to being part of the Royal Family, and one day, become Queen. This dress conveyed all of those messages in one.
Hannah is more of the fashion expert of the blog I won’t lie, so this is her opinion, “I think it’s wondrous that a budding designer for McQueen was used, however, I was hoping for billowing, puffy skirts, reams of netting and a longer train…but obviously this was never going to happen! She looked beautiful, demure and every bit the princess. The use of lace was classy and added a fairytale quality. She looked amazing. Just amazing. Stifles a tear…”
But, and I apologise in advance, I am going to have to lower the tone. Because besides me and Hannah being sat analysing the dress, how beautiful it was, how it reflected the designer, how she wore it and it didn’t wear her, what it was symbolic of etc. etc. etc. We couldn’t stop noticing something else. Maybe it was just us. But Kate…
I think it probably was a bit cold. Or nippy. As the slang for cold is.
The bouquet by the way was made of Lily of the Valley and Sweet William. See what she did there? Nice innit?
THE SERVICE
Did you hear about the weather forecast? It was meant to rain yesterday, and it was overcast in London all morning, even when Kate and Wills went into the Abbey. But straight as they said their vows the sun came out… now I don’t want to be soppy… but that’s romance right there isn’t it?! Talking of the vows, arguably the most important part of the day, me and Hannah missed them because my Mum rang up when they were happening to say, “I don’t like the dress. It looks like it’s been made out of your Nan’s curtains. You could buy that from Matalan for £15…” Thanks Mum. But here are our highlights:
· Prince Harry stood at the altar, turning round to look at Kate, and saying something to Wills before he'd seen her himself. Quite obviously it was something along the lines of ‘Mate, she looks well fit’
· William’s first words to Kate being, ‘You look…you are beautiful’ (I really don’t know why this wedding has turned me into a romantic loser)
· After Kate saying the line ‘For richer for poorer’, her amazing reaction...
That’s a smirk that is! A full on smirk! I hope someone requested ‘Gold Digger’ as a joke at the reception…
· THE RING STRUGGLE! Oh the ring struggle… K. Middy must have been thinking, “The papers have been slamming me for losing weight, but clearly I haven’t lost it off my hands. No cake for me later”
THE KISS
Can you imagine how terrified Kate must have been all day long? Just stop and think about it for a moment. 2 billion people worldwide are judging her every move (so all credit it to her for being utterly calm and composed throughout) and then, just when she thinks the service is out the way, she’s got to kiss her husband in front of 1 million people. No wonder her reaction was ‘Wow’ when she first stepped onto that balcony. She was greeted with this lot:
Would you really be comfortable with having your first kiss as man and wife in front of something that looked like a page out of ‘Where’s Wally?’? Me and Hannah concluded the pressure on the PDA would be just too great for us… Me: “I couldn’t do it, I’d bottle out and give him a hug” Hannah: “I’d forget how to kiss Charlotte. I’d forget.how.to.kiss”
No wonder, then, that the first kiss was more awkward than when Joey Essex took Sam to a tip on their first date. William had to say “Kate, shall we? Shall we kiss? Come on. OK? The kiss” to initiate the whole thing. Not very spontaneous. The first kiss lasted, according to The Sun (I didn’t get my iPhone out and time it myself on the stopwatch) a mere 0.76 seconds. Me and Hannah’s unanimous response was, “That was rubbish. I kiss my Grandma like that”. The Queen didn’t seem impressed either. She buggered off quite quickly. And look at the young bridesmaid’s reaction:
The second kiss was much better though and added another modern twist to a supposedly traditional day – no royal couple have ever kissed more than once on the balcony. Here was the moment –
N’aw.
But regrettably, I’m going to have to lower the tone again. I was incredibly moved by the whole balcony moment, and it was very dignified and romantic. Until Kate unfortunately dropped her flowers…
Come on, it looks a bit dodge.
THE DRIVE TO CLARENCE HOUSE
Prince William drove his bride back to Clarence House in his Dad’s Aston Martin DB9. I have nothing more to say about this other than: what an absolute legend.
THE RECEPTION DRESS
Now this is what does Kate Middleton justice…
The set up of this photo further increases the beauty of this dress – anything looks good when juxtaposed with Camilla Parker Bowles wearing a Japenese-inspired nightie. She needed to ditch the train (so she could more easily throw some shapes to the Grease Megamix at the reception later obvs), she needed it to go in at the waist and, most importantly, she needed something that could…
Perfect. And in our own resident fashion expert’s words: “Although it looked like another wedding dress, and Pippa outshone her with her emerald green number, Kate still looked fabulous. Sarah Burton is clearly a name to watch out for! And the hair was down. The hair needed to be down. Lovely”
THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM – PIPPA MIDDLETON
Or, more appropriately, the sex-symbol-who-owershadowed-her-sister’s-big-day in the room. But that’s not really the common phrase is it?
While women nationwide were thinking ‘Aww’, Kate’s maid of honour caused men nationwide to think, ‘ARSE’.
The day after the biggest wedding the world has ever seen, and ever will, for decades, what do the Daily Mail want to talk about on their website? Where Kate and Wills might be going on their honeymoon? What happened at the reception? Oh no, they went for this…
Her dress was created by the same designer as her sister’s wedding dress, using the same lace and buttons, and obviously it was stunning. But it wouldn’t have been as good on your Auntie Mildred would it? The body made that dress. I’m sorry, but it did. In the interests of not objectifying women and making them into sex objects, here’s her actual face…
Lovely. In all honesty, all of the female Middleton clan (including Carole who is 56 but could pass as Camilla’s daughter) made me shout, ‘Look at their cheekbones! That’s breeding that is’, throughout the day. Now I’m not an advocate of eugenics, but if good looking people having children with other good looking people means we have a country full of Kate and Pippa Middletons, so be it. It brings a new meaning to survival of the ‘fittest’…
Joking aside, the chemistry between the couple was electric wasn’t it?
Harry did actually say, “Seriously, you look beautiful” to Pippa on the balcony. And after William and Kate had their public kiss, Wills said to his younger brother, “Your turn now!” Oh how they must have laughed! On a serious note, I dread to think what happened at the reception last night, Pippa having had a few glasses of wine (I wonder if they’d mass bought Blossom Hill rosé from ASDA at the weekend? It was on offer…) and Harry…well Harry just being Harry. You wait, give it a couple of years, that’ll be the next wedding on the cards.
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN THOUGH?
HANNAH: The future will be bright with Wills and Middy on the throne. Having Kate in full view of the media’s critical eye will bring fashion to the forefront of Buckingham Palace for the first time, providing us with many wonderful dresses to rush off to the highstreet and copy! There will also be a baby Wills and Kate in a couple of years won’t there? He or she will be an absolute heartbreaker, combining Kate’s fabulous hair (hopefully her genes will prevail over the Windsor baldness) and Will’s charming good looks. The future king and queen, and the new generations of kings and queens they produce, will be unstoppable.
CHARLOTTE: For the love of God I hope Charles makes the decision to skip being King and passes it on to his son. Yesterday the Royal family transformed from being traditional to being up-to-date. The country united to celebrate, away from all the pomp and decorum, quite simply a young couple in love. One million people gathered in London, some even camping for three nights to secure a good spot, to be part of a moment in history. This wasn’t just a wedding, this was an event to lift the country in a time where we’re worried about money, job prospects and whether being British is anything to be proud of anymore. Well, I think William and Kate have proven we should be proud. We might not win World Cups but we can put on a bloody good party.
We watched a middle-class girl transition from ex-public school girl to princess in 3 hours. It was like something out of a Disney film.
Yesterday, in an era where the recession has made us all constantly, painfully aware of reality, Prince William and Kate Middleton suggested, in fact, fairytales can still happen.
CONGRATULATIONS WILLS AND KATE!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment