HOT TOPIC: Royal Wedding Special

Yesterday you would have belonged to one of two groups. Either you were the kind of person who was holding a street party, had bought fifteen different types of wedding memorabilia, and cried straight as Kate Middleton stepped out of her car to go into Westminster Abbey, and then constantly at various points throughout the day.

Alternately, you wouldn’t have cared at all, failing to see how the marriage of two strangers affected your life whatsoever, and saw the whole day as not a celebration of love and being British, but instead purely an excuse to go down the pub and start drinking at 10am.

I thought I would be in the second group…but SOMEHOW, at 11pm on the 28^th of April, I ended up moving to the first.

Me and Hannah had a mini party yesterday…Cava and Bucks Fizz were involved…we watched the whole thing from start to finish, despite having to do bibliographies for dissertations at the same time. In Hannah’s words – “We became the people we had previously ridiculed”

The newspapers today have analysed the whole wedding, second by second, to death. But really, why do you need those people when you’ve got us to give our expert opinions?! Here’s a run down of all the crucial moments from our perspective. Warning: we may become embarrassingly over-enthusiastic when we get to the ‘double kiss’ and ‘Aston Martin’ sections. We may also use the terms ‘K.Middy’ or ‘P.Willy’ because we like it. Don’t judge.

THE DRESS  

The first big moment of the day was Kate Middleton emerging from her hotel for the first time. The world waited with baited breath. It was like that horrible ridiculously-long pause Dermot leaves before announcing The X Factor winner. Times a million. And then she came out… fair enough she got bundled in the car so we didn’t see much of the dress straight away, but we knew there was a train, and we knew there was a lot of lace (already she was defying expectation). 

As she travelled to Westminster Abbey, a ‘fashion expert’ on the BBC helpfully informed us, “There seems to be a lot of lace there. We will have to see whether it’s just lace on the shoulders, or lace all the way down, you never know’ Well we did know, love. 1) We’re not blind 2) The girl’s going to a royal wedding, she’s not going to rock up in a wedding dress made entirely of lace. Where would you even get something like that from? Ann Summers? Anyway…

She arrived, she stepped out onto the red carpet, and we saw this:

Designed by Sarah Burton, creative director for Alexander McQueen, it was elegant and timeless. It didn’t ‘wow’ me, but that’s because I expected something which would show off her figure more. And I forgot the veil would have to cover her hair. Her lovely, lovely hair! But this dress was never meant to be My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, it was supposed to be My Big Fat I’m-Going-To-Be-A-Bloody-Princess Wedding. The night before, Kate Middleton went to bed a ‘normal’ girl (as normal as you can be when you went to boarding school and St Andrews. But I’ll keep convincing myself she’s ‘one of us commoners’) knowing when she woke up she had to convince everyone she was suited to being part of the Royal Family, and one day, become Queen. This dress conveyed all of those messages in one.

Hannah is more of the fashion expert of the blog I won’t lie, so this is her opinion, “I think it’s wondrous that a budding designer for McQueen was used, however, I was hoping for billowing, puffy skirts, reams of netting and a longer train…but obviously this was never going to happen! She looked beautiful, demure and every bit the princess. The use of lace was classy and added a fairytale quality. She looked amazing. Just amazing. Stifles a tear…”

But, and I apologise in advance, I am going to have to lower the tone. Because besides me and Hannah being sat analysing the dress, how beautiful it was, how it reflected the designer, how she wore it and it didn’t wear her, what it was symbolic of etc. etc. etc. We couldn’t stop noticing something else. Maybe it was just us. But Kate…

I think it probably was a bit cold. Or nippy. As the slang for cold is.

The bouquet by the way was made of Lily of the Valley and Sweet William. See what she did there? Nice innit?

THE SERVICE

Did you hear about the weather forecast? It was meant to rain yesterday, and it was overcast in London all morning, even when Kate and Wills went into the Abbey. But straight as they said their vows the sun came out… now I don’t want to be soppy… but that’s romance right there isn’t it?! Talking of the vows, arguably the most important part of the day, me and Hannah missed them because my Mum rang up when they were happening to say, “I don’t like the dress. It looks like it’s been made out of your Nan’s curtains. You could buy that from Matalan for £15…” Thanks Mum. But here are our highlights:

·  Prince Harry stood at the altar, turning round to look at Kate, and saying something to Wills before he'd seen her himself. Quite obviously it was something along the lines of ‘Mate, she looks well fit’

·         William’s first words to Kate being, ‘You look…you are beautiful’ (I really don’t know why this wedding has turned me into a romantic loser)

·         After Kate saying the line ‘For richer for poorer’, her amazing reaction...

That’s a smirk that is! A full on smirk! I hope someone requested ‘Gold Digger’ as a joke at the reception…

·         THE RING STRUGGLE! Oh the ring struggle… K. Middy must have been thinking, “The papers have been slamming me for losing weight, but clearly I haven’t lost it off my hands. No cake for me later”

        

THE KISS

Can you imagine how terrified Kate must have been all day long? Just stop and think about it for a moment. 2 billion people worldwide are judging her every move (so all credit it to her for being utterly calm and composed throughout) and then, just when she thinks the service is out the way, she’s got to kiss her husband in front of 1 million people. No wonder her reaction was ‘Wow’ when she first stepped onto that balcony. She was greeted with this lot: 

Would you really be comfortable with having your first kiss as man and wife in front of something that looked like a page out of ‘Where’s Wally?’? Me and Hannah concluded the pressure on the PDA would be just too great for us… Me: “I couldn’t do it, I’d bottle out and give him a hug” Hannah: “I’d forget how to kiss Charlotte. I’d forget.how.to.kiss”

No wonder, then, that the first kiss was more awkward than when Joey Essex took Sam to a tip on their first date. William had to say “Kate, shall we? Shall we kiss? Come on. OK? The kiss” to initiate the whole thing. Not very spontaneous. The first kiss lasted, according to The Sun (I didn’t get my iPhone out and time it myself on the stopwatch) a mere 0.76 seconds. Me and Hannah’s unanimous response was, “That was rubbish. I kiss my Grandma like that”. The Queen didn’t seem impressed either. She buggered off quite quickly. And look at the young bridesmaid’s reaction:

The second kiss was much better though and added another modern twist to a supposedly traditional day – no royal couple have ever kissed more than once on the balcony. Here was the moment –

N’aw.

But regrettably, I’m going to have to lower the tone again. I was incredibly moved by the whole balcony moment, and it was very dignified and romantic. Until Kate unfortunately dropped her flowers…

Come on, it looks a bit dodge.

THE DRIVE TO CLARENCE HOUSE

Prince William drove his bride back to Clarence House in his Dad’s Aston Martin DB9. I have nothing more to say about this other than: what an absolute legend.

THE RECEPTION DRESS

Now this is what does Kate Middleton justice…

The set up of this photo further increases the beauty of this dress – anything looks good when juxtaposed with Camilla Parker Bowles wearing a Japenese-inspired nightie. She needed to ditch the train (so she could more easily throw some shapes to the Grease Megamix at the reception later obvs), she needed it to go in at the waist and, most importantly, she needed something that could…

Perfect. And in our own resident fashion expert’s words: “Although it looked like another wedding dress, and Pippa outshone her with her emerald green number, Kate still looked fabulous. Sarah Burton is clearly a name to watch out for! And the hair was down. The hair needed to be down. Lovely”

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM – PIPPA MIDDLETON

Or, more appropriately, the sex-symbol-who-owershadowed-her-sister’s-big-day in the room. But that’s not really the common phrase is it?

While women nationwide were thinking ‘Aww’, Kate’s maid of honour caused men nationwide to think, ‘ARSE’.

The day after the biggest wedding the world has ever seen, and ever will, for decades, what do the Daily Mail want to talk about on their website? Where Kate and Wills might be going on their honeymoon? What happened at the reception? Oh no, they went for this…

Her dress was created by the same designer as her sister’s wedding dress, using the same lace and buttons, and obviously it was stunning. But it wouldn’t have been as good on your Auntie Mildred would it? The body made that dress. I’m sorry, but it did. In the interests of not objectifying women and making them into sex objects, here’s her actual face…

Lovely. In all honesty, all of the female Middleton clan (including Carole who is 56 but could pass as Camilla’s daughter) made me shout, ‘Look at their cheekbones! That’s breeding that is’, throughout the day. Now I’m not an advocate of eugenics, but if good looking people having children with other good looking people means we have a country full of Kate and Pippa Middletons, so be it. It brings a new meaning to survival of the ‘fittest’…

Joking aside, the chemistry between the couple was electric wasn’t it?

Harry did actually say, “Seriously, you look beautiful” to Pippa on the balcony. And after William and Kate had their public kiss, Wills said to his younger brother, “Your turn now!” Oh how they must have laughed! On a serious note, I dread to think what happened at the reception last night, Pippa having had a few glasses of wine (I wonder if they’d mass bought Blossom Hill rosé from ASDA at the weekend? It was on offer…) and Harry…well Harry just being Harry. You wait, give it a couple of years, that’ll be the next wedding on the cards.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN THOUGH?

Was Friday the 29^th of April 2011 a day in history to you, or just another day? Did it really mean anything to you beyond it being a day off work to drink Pimms? This is what it meant to us.

HANNAH: The future will be bright with Wills and Middy on the throne. Having Kate in full view of the media’s critical eye will bring fashion to the forefront of Buckingham Palace for the first time, providing us with many wonderful dresses to rush off to the highstreet and copy! There will also be a baby Wills and Kate in a couple of years won’t there? He or she will be an absolute heartbreaker, combining Kate’s fabulous hair (hopefully her genes will prevail over the Windsor baldness) and Will’s charming good looks. The future king and queen, and the new generations of kings and queens they produce, will be unstoppable.

CHARLOTTE: For the love of God I hope Charles makes the decision to skip being King and passes it on to his son. Yesterday the Royal family transformed from being traditional to being up-to-date. The country united to celebrate, away from all the pomp and decorum, quite simply a young couple in love. One million people gathered in London, some even camping for three nights to secure a good spot, to be part of a moment in history. This wasn’t just a wedding, this was an event to lift the country in a time where we’re worried about money, job prospects and whether being British is anything to be proud of anymore. Well, I think William and Kate have proven we should be proud. We might not win World Cups but we can put on a bloody good party.

We watched a middle-class girl transition from ex-public school girl to princess in 3 hours. It was like something out of a Disney film. 

Yesterday, in an era where the recession has made us all constantly, painfully aware of reality, Prince William and Kate Middleton suggested, in fact, fairytales can still happen.

CONGRATULATIONS WILLS AND KATE!!!

HOT TOPIC: Girl Crushes

So here’s the deal, every month Hannah and I are going to do a collaborative post (horrendous dissertation deadlines permitting). Hot topic this time? Girl crushes.

CHARLOTTE: Girl crushes have become a modern phenomenon and we all know who’s responsible…

That song changed a lot of things for girls worldwide, mainly their openness to admit finding female celebrities attractive beyond the typical ‘I just admire her/want to be her’ excuse.

HANNAH: Ah Katy Perry. We've all sung I Kissed A Girl at the top of our voices, with a drink in hand, whilst trying to kiss our nearest girl- friend ( notice how I separate the two...) haven't we? Well we have. Well I have then... but I know I'm not alone! Katy Perry definitely gave girls permission to appreciate the female form! My only criticism of the woman is she's married to Russell Brand - what.a.bitch. But it makes sense because she is gorgeous isn't she? Although not so much when Brandy leaked a picture of her make-up less face on twitter...moving on...

CHARLOTTE: All of the above clearly only applies to celebrities; if your ‘girl crushes’ are on mates you know in life, you may aswell admit you’re on a train to bi-curious town with a one-way ticket. There’s nothing wrong with that, as me and Hannah would both agree, but that’s another story for another post…

So here is a little timeline we’ve put together of how girl crushes have changed over the past decade and why… We’re not just going to look at acceptable crushes though, we’re also going to analyse the ones that are a little bit dodge. There may be people out there doing blogs on climate change and gender equality, but here at TGOB we like to confront the serious issues in society. Let’s crack on.

JENNIFER ANISTON AND ANGELINA JOLIE ‘The Originals’ (2000 – 2008)

CHARLOTTE: I appreciate that many of you reading this will only have been about 10 years old in the year 2000, and completely oblivious to the idea of a girl crush, BUT there’s no denying Jen and Ange were the original women who stole our hearts.

At the time, Jennifer Aniston was playing Rachel Green in Friends (is it only me who still watches the repeats on E4 while I’m eating my tea, despite having seen every episode about a thousand times?) and Angelina Jolie had taken leading role in Tomb Raider. It was girl-next-door versus femme fatale, and it really was hard for us to decide who we were most loyal to. Coincidentally, Brad Pitt thinking exactly the same thoughts is what caused such a drama in 2005.

HANNAH: I too watch Friends episodes on repeat whilst trying to structure my dissertation/life..but anyway! Jen and Ange really are the originals ( well in terms of our lifetime anyway) and both, in my opinion, equally amazing. They each go for completely different looks, so it is down to personal opinion, and maybe something as superficial as hair colour preference! I do have a loyal streak though: Jen will always remain dear to my heart as I was very much 'Team Aniston' and secretly still want her to steal Brad back...But fair play to him really - Jolie is an undeniable stunner, it must have been a 'mare deciding between the two! Then again, perhaps it was a dream come true for him depending on how you look at it...

CHERYL COLE ‘The One Who Properly Started It All Off’ – (2008 – 2010)

CHARLOTTE: Jen and Ange aside, ‘girl crushes’ weren’t really properly acknowledged until the mid-noughties. Someone added fuel to the fire, and it was most definitely Cheryl Cole. The combination of her tragic break up with Ashley Cole (don’t even get me started, we’ll be here all day) and her debut as a judge on The X Factor made her the ultimate girl crush.

HANNAH: This reminds me of the days when us two used to go to Girls Aloud concerts (yes, we were that cool, we even had tour t-shirts. Ahem) I have had to physically restrain Charlotte from jumping on stage at various points, but again, that's another story entirely... Cheryl Cole is a national treasure and with that smile cough*veneers*cough she melts hearts not just in the UK, but right the way round the world! If you don't fancy her even a little bit then you have a heart of stone...

CHARLOTTE: Plus, look at the girl’s HAIR. Incredible…

HANNAH: I agree, that hair (aside from her being commissioned by L'oreal and therefore having access to some of the world's greatest hair experts) is absolutely enviable!

CHARLOTTE: Not just hair experts, but hair extensions us mere mortals could never dream of affording. Hair that's admirable but completely unattainable. Brilliant. Ultimately though, if I had to bet who the majority of the female population would choose to be trapped in a lift with (if they had to pick another woman. And they were forced. Look, don’t question the rules of the game) I would put everything I have on Cheryl Cole. Quite literally.

HANNAH: Annoyingly I have to agree there.She does irritate me somewhat, mainly due to her face being plastered on every billboard, magazine and TV screen in the WORLD. But there must be a reason for this. Even though I don't like to add to the army of Cheryl fans out there, she is definitely in the top 10 girl crushes of all time! I don't think she's that pretty though........ OK, who am I kidding, she's perfect, I'm jealous.

CHARLOTTE: What’s quite amazing is we all seem to have forgotten what she used to look like 10 years ago. It’s like we’ve been brainwashed.

Cheryl retained her status, not only as the nation’s sweetheart, but the nation’s number one girl crush until quite recently. Then a sudden, unprecedented, but very real, change of loyalty took place. To this woman…

RIHANNA (2010 – ROUGHLY TWO MONTHS AGO):

CHARLOTTE: As far as I can gather, it was this performance on X Factor that did it…

I know for a fact Hannah will want to say more than me on this topic!

HANNAH: Well. What's her name? (Oh I do apologise, there's just no need for my grossly cheesy jokes are there?) Yes that's it Rihanna. Ever since she stomped on to the scene in her (very tame by today's standards) video for Pon de Replay, she has taken the world by storm! Arguably Umbrella was her first 'hot' video and since then they've just got better and better! S&M sent youtube into meltdown as the website had to ban the outrageously sexy singer's risqué promo video.


CHARLOTTE: They've censored words in that song on Radio 1 too. 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but [blank] and [blank] excite me'. It makes no sense. I don't like it.


HANNAH: However, Charlotte is right, it was that x-factor video that really sealed the deal! I for one am definitely not over that video, especially when she takes that zebra print dress off...I know I speak for everyone when I say she clearly has the best legs in pop!

JESSIE J (ABOUT TWO MONTHS AGO – PRESENT)

CHARLOTTE: Again, I’m not entirely sure when this properly formed, but according to what you lot are writing on Facebook and Twitter, Jessie J is definitely the girl crush of the moment. The Essex girl’s fame rocketed when she released ‘Do It Like A Dude’ in January and now, it seems, everyone (especially girls) can’t get enough of her. Just as an added comment on said song, by forcing the idea of breaking down gender stereotypes into the public consciousness, 'Do It Like A Dude' has an element of importance that goes beyond it just being a good song to dance to when you're on the lash. Ciara kind of did it with ‘Like A Boy’, but it was a bit of a half-arsed attempt.

Also, here’s a little nugget of gossip for you that I bet you didn’t know before now. See this backing dancer?

That’s Jessie J’s ex-girlfriend. So just to confuse this idea of girl crushes even further, it’s a big possibility Jessie J would have a girl crush on you as well. Can I just say, I have no idea what Jessie J’s official sexuality is – it depends what other newspaper/magazine/blog you read, they’ll all give you completely different answers. But it’s 2011 right, who cares anymore?

HANNAH: Damn right it's 2011! I would just like to say that I had no idea that Jessie J had had a girlfriend, so now I have that knowledge I am even more intrigued by her than before! She's hot in a bit of a Catherine-Zeta-in-Chicago type way with that sleek black bob. That added to the mystery of her sexuality makes her all the more attractive! With the black lipstick, leotards in her videos, and a voice to send shivers down your spine, I don't think there's a straight girl in the country who could deny they don't have even the teeniest crush on our latest celebrity obsession! I really wanted to be harsh on Jessie J aswell as she undermines the 'fabulously fake-tanned and groomed to perfection' stereotype of your typical Essex girl! However, after watching 'Do It Like A Dude' on repeat, she may well be at the top of my girl crush list right now!

THE ‘CONSTANTS’ (Who always have been, and always will be, girl crushes - mainly because of jealousy)

CHARLOTTE: It seems to me that girl crushes rely on a pack mentality. Picture the scene: one girl has a magazine that they show to their girlfriends over lunch, comments such as ‘Oh My God, she looks amazing’ are chucked about all over the shop, and it becomes a kind of social event. However, a few of you will understand what I mean when I say you can get caught out. For instance, here’s a real-life conversation I was involved in a couple of years ago:

Me: Every girl has their one woman they would have a one night stand with if they HAD to… who’s yours?

Friend #1: Cheryl Cole

Friend #2: Beyonce

Friend #3: Megan Fox

Friend #4: Kate Moss… Because she looks like she’d be dirty…

Spot the odd one out. Now, there’s not a problem with having a girl crush on Kate Moss (did you see the photos of her doing the Louis Vuitton fashion show last week with a fag on? Google it if you haven’t) but it’s going against convention a tiny bit, and that’s where personal, guilty girl crushes come into the open.

HANNAH: I beg to differ actually! I think Kate Moss has every right to be in there, yes she does look a bit dirty, and granted she is a bit dirty (anyone seen photos of her snorting dubious substances and generally just looking like she hasn't washed in a week?!) but she is a model after all, so pop a bit of make-up on her and she's ready to go!


CHARLOTTE: I don't think she meant that kind of dirty Hannah...


HANNAH: Oh...erm...anyway! All the rest are just fairly...well...standard aren't they, just the type of crushes you'd expect to see in the list! Which is why it's quite refreshing when our guilty crushes are revealed.

CHARLOTTE: Here’s some examples. We didn’t get this idea from Heat’s annual Guilty Crush Awards at all. Nope.

GUILTY CRUSHES

Florence

Guilty because: 
CHARLOTTE: She doesn’t fit the ‘conventionally gorgeous’ stereotype that usually justifies a girl crush. She may be an amazing musician, but it can’t be denied, she does bear a striking resemblance to a certain ex-contestant of Take Me Out (I actually can't find a picture of her on Google, but you know who I mean...the one with the red hair...and the teeth...)
HANNAH: Florence is an obvious one here...she's ginger...joking! She actually has incredible hair. I would just like to clarify that red hair is my favourite and I'm definitely considering jumping on the 'Florence's fiery hair' bandwagon!

Frankie (Lip Service)

Guilty because: 
CHARLOTTE: For those of you who are familiar with the plot of Lip Service (basically, those of you who iPlayer-ed it due to intrigue) you’ll know why this crush is a bit wrong. This isn’t a hair/beauty/fashion envy crush, it is a genuine ‘I-would-if-I-was-drunk-enough’ situation. Frankie – confusing straight girls nationwide.
HANNAH: Oh God, I'm not entirely sure what I should say here...
CHARLOTTE: Try to retain some dignity...
HANNAH: Erm... she looks quite man-ish so maybe it's ok?!

Nicole Scherzinger

Guilty because:
CHARLOTTE: On a similar line to the previous crush, you don’t exactly look at Nicole Scherzinger in this video and think, ‘Oooo she’s got eyes to die for’.

It’s more a case of ‘I didn’t notice she even had eyes’. One of my best friends actually wants to marry the woman. What concerns me even more is when Nicole pops up on the telly for some reason, even my Mum forgets what she’s saying and gets a bit flustered, only managing to come out with something along the lines of: “She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life”. Well, the silver lining is atleast my Mum has good taste. Like mother like daughter…

Mila Kunis

Guilty because: 
CHARLOTTE: No matter how many men you’ve been with, how much you’re in love with David Beckham and how many Christmasses you’ve been given the ‘Hollyoaks men’ calendar for, it’s quite hard to think about blokes when you watch 'that' scene in Black Swan. Those of you who haven't seen it won't know what I'm on about, but if I posted a video of it on here, we'd get our blog removed... VERY guilty.
HANNAH: Charlotte... Nicole Scherzinger and Mila Kunis are not guilty crushes! They're obvious choices surely?! They do look similar though so I would'nt be able to pick between the two..

Helena Bonham Carter

Guilty because:
CHARLOTTE: Blatantly obvious reasons. But she is an absolute legend.
HANNAH: The Bonham-Carter! I can't be mean about her as I was quite harsh in the last blog...yes she is beautiful but Bellatrix Lestrange? No.

Who's your girl crush?

MUSIC: It wasn't like that in our day...

Somewhere in an old family album is a baby photo of me, with a pair of ridiculously oversized headphones on, being forced by my Dad to listen to a Pink Floyd album; I don’t have the photo to hand, but this is a good visual demonstration of the moment:

I’m sure I didn’t quite appreciate the lyrical genius of ‘Another Brick In The Wall’ at that innocent age, but what my Dad was trying to do was indoctrinate me with what he classed to be ‘good music’. He was obsessed with that band when he was younger, so he was passing it onto the next generation. Cut to present day, when only last week I overheard one of my friends, whilst listening to the radio, describe ‘My Humps’ by the Black Eyed Peas as ‘a classic’. A classic. I’ll be honest, I’m slightly horrified that a song containing the phrase ‘my lovely lady lumps’ has gained a status like that. This got me thinking (my first blog post and I’m already sounding like Carrie Bradshaw), what music will we want to pass onto our children?

Will we ever utter the words, as parents, “The music you listen to is just noise, back in the day we had I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry. You have no idea what good music is.” Alternately, is it the case that we’ll never be able to say something along those lines because we, as a generation, just don’t have anything worth passing on?

Let’s face it, the closest thing we have to The Beatles today is JLS. Forget Diana Ross and The Supremes, we’ve got The Saturdays belting out another generic pop song. Even if you told the new generation about someone seemingly worthwhile like Beyoncé, ultimately, a brief search on Google would reveal to the uneducated that she came from a band who spawned the lyric –

And that’s nothing to boast about…

If I go through the C.Ds, cassettes even, that I owned in the 90’s, there is not a. single. one that I’d be comfortable with showing off. My first ‘album’ was The Smurf’s Christmas Party – enough said. The music seemed quite good at the time didn’t it? But looking back?

Granted, I’m only talking about cheesy pop music here for emphasis. However, besides that, all our era really has to its name is RnB, dance music and dubstep, none of which is going to wash on the afternoon Radio 2 show in 2030. When Fearne Cotton is 50 and she moves to Chris Evans’ slot, she is never going to say, “And here’s one that’ll take you back, the dulcet tones of Heartbeat by Nneka, the Chase & Status Remix’. (Even if it is one of my favourite songs of all time).

To remain immortal, artists need to be unique, have a sound that is timeless, and lyrics that make still make sense 10, 20, 30 years on; all of the above is why I’ve got The Eurythmics Greatest Hits on my iPod for a laugh. The only band I can think of post-me-being-born that fulfil those criteria is the Prodigy. But here we go again, I can’t quite force my own 18-month-old to listen to ‘Smack My Bitch Up’ to satisfy my nostalgia.

At some point, I'll have to abandon the upbeat songs of my youth anyway. Unless I want to end up looking like this:

While we’re on the topic, at the moment the tradition seems to be our parents being disgusted at some of the ‘filth’ we listen to, with all the swearing and the references to violence and the sexually explicit lyrics. But I have a feeling the roles may reverse. Trust me, it is no longer going to be us, as parents, who are going to judge our kids; it’s going to be our kids judging us when we whip out a vintage Rihanna album to play on the school run and start singing, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me.” No one wants to hear their Mum say that. Ever.

The problem we have, as late 80’s/early 90’s children, is we came into the world at a time when music became less about expression and more about commercialism. I could go into a great big debate about this, but I’ll just sum it up – it was Simon Cowell’s fault. As much as I loved Pop Idol then, and The X Factor now (believe me, this blog will go nuts for it from August), reality shows really have destroyed music in an undeniable way. 

Music has no agenda anymore, no subtext, no passion. The Sex Pistols made music to rebel against the Government and fight for anarchy, Queen were at the Live Aid 1985 concert to fight against poverty. What is our music fighting for now? Well, Cheryl Cole was fight, fight, fight, fight, fighting for love apparently. With a sleazy overpaid footballer who wore horrible pants according to the Daily Star. Depressing isn’t it?

I know that there will be bands or artists you personally like which you will want to tell your children about. My favourite genre of music is mid-90’s trance/dance, and I will be forcing my hypothetical offspring to listen to various ‘Cream Ibiza’ albums to genuinely show them when I thought ‘music was good’. This is subjective though. There’s also a good chance I’ll still be requesting ‘Something Kinda Oooh’ by Girls Aloud at weddings when I’m 45, but that might not be to everyone else’s taste.

My main concern is we don’t have an Elvis, we don’t have a Madonna. Where is our legend? We need to be able to talk about someone as if they were a sensation, a phenomenon. Someone that 16 year olds in 2030 will put posters of on their bedroom walls. Someone who’s face they will want on a t-shirt to look edgy.  We need the equivalent of this bloke:

Then again…

She’s the one isn’t she?

Lady GaGa will be the person we talk about when we’re 40. Misty eyed, we’ll reflect, and tell the younger generation that those were the days when music was different and not just made for mass appeal. When popstars were unique, when artists fought for something. Regarding her legendary latest single, the best gay anthem we’ve had since ‘I’m Coming Out’, the woman herself (or realistically, one of her servants) posted a Facebook status yesterday saying 

“The point, with "Born This Way," is to fight for something that not everyone believes in. To overcome adversity with a message.” 

There you go you see. If you haven’t seen that new video yet by the way, you can watch it here:http://www.mtv.co.uk/artists/lady-gaga?gclid=CJrS7ryix6cCFYFB4QodyGRvBg  It’ll blow your mind. 


Music used to be exciting, we’ll tell the new teenagers - our parents were there when Elvis died and the world stood still, we were there when Lady Gaga wore a dress made of meat to the MTV awards. 

Then the next year she had a kip in a giant egg for three hours before performing at the Grammy’s. We were there.

However, it’s not just the fact that she’s beautifully crackers that makes her the icon of our time – it’s her music. Rarely can someone release single after single that isn’t just ‘good’ but ‘amazing’. Her CV consists of 'Just Dance', 'Poker Face', and 'Bad Romance'. You can’t argue with that. 'Telephone' will become a true classic because of the video alone – she’s got Diet Coke cans in her hair for God’s sake…

It’s not just her singles that have been good; whereas other artists today would have albums full of ‘filler’ (you know what I mean), literally ALL of the GaGa’s songs are perfect. Have you heard ‘Teeth’ from her second album? No? Well, you should have done… 

On the phone the other day, I had this exact discussion with one of my friends from home – do we have a musical legend of our time? Instinctively she said Lady Gaga, describing her as 

‘One of a kind... She does what she wants, doesn’t care what anyone else thinks, and I love her. All power to her!’ 

 That sums it up in my opinion!


And if Lady Gaga the female popstar isn't enough for you, she's also got a male alter ego. If you didn't know about Jo Calderone before, here he is making his debut on the cover of Japanese Vogue in September of last year:

I'm not messing around with you - that is genuinely Lady Gaga in drag! It's things like that highlight her unique selling point: she constantly defies our expectations.

So that's that sorted then - Lady Gaga is our noughties legend...I’m personally looking forward to the Lady Gaga reunion tour, when she’s 75 years old, plays the o2 arena for one last time, and comes out wearing a bonnet with a lobster on it, pulling along a tartan shopping trolley made of cheese. 

Lady GaGa - you're our Elvis, our Bowie, our Madonna, all rolled into one. And we love you!