FASHION: I'm not a fashion critic but...

To kick start the first post on the blog, I'm going to have a good old bitch (everyone enjoys that don’ t they?) and a general rant about how envious I am of the fabulous people, and the clothes they have adorned, at the Oscars, the Brits and the Baftas in the past month. Plus, there's a cheeky bit of fashion gossip about the GaGa at the end...

Right on with the show (excuse the pun) and let’s attack the Oscars first as it was home to some truly awful outfits this year!

Hollywood Horrors and Delights at the Oscars

These are the belles of the ball, in their lovely shimmering gowns in varying degrees of floaty fabrics, what exactly is not to like? Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman after the success of the intriguingly avant-garde ‘Black Swan’ -which was dubbed a huge success by pretty much everyone alive- can do no wrong right now. So quite frankly I don’t think it matters as such what they wear on the carpet; they are both ridiculously beautiful no-one is even looking at their outfits anyway. Damn them...

On the other end of the spectrum, are the beasts of the ball (perhaps referring to strikingly beautiful actresses as monsters is a little harsh, but still, their choice of attire is not so... ) Unfortunately, it is our cream of British talent letting our side down, as Helena Bonham-Carter and Florence Welch of ‘Florence and the Machine’ stepped out in equally hideous frocks. Florence often goes for the quintessentially English look, making use of vintage clothing which is so ‘in’ right now. However, I really don’t think that stealing what looks like her grandmother’s lace curtains and table cloth, then stitching them together to form some sort of ‘ghoul’ ensemble, was one of her best ideas.

Scrap that, Helena Bonham- Carter’s atrocious outfit is by far the worst by any stretch of the imagination. The corset may have just been just about ‘passable’ with the dubious gothic skirt, however, the ripped sleeves that don’t seem to be attached properly really are an error. The biggest failure of all though, one that could have quite easily been avoided (had she not lifted up said skirt to reveal the monstrosity) is the Union Jack print garter. Words. Fail me. I don’t think any more needs to be said about that to be honest.

A close up is definitely required here...

Ladies, sack your stylists immediately!

Brits Blunders and Wonders
The Brits also offered a whole wealth of fashion hits and misses. Let’s start with the hits…

First up is Rihanna. This eclectic piece falls under the category of so wrong its right! The clashing blue skirt with bizarre ruffling, along with the ill-matching bodice and garishly bright neon bow, all sign-post this creation to be well and truly stashed under the ‘disaster’ pile. However, whether or not it’s Rihanna’s cheeky charm stemming from her latest saucy video, or whether in actual fact the dress is a piece of artwork, miraculously the girl pulls it off! It’s a big fat thumbs up for this. (Mainly for the fact that the skirt co-ordinates with her shoes. Genius.)

Cheryl Cole, the nation’s sweetheart, and yet again she doesn’t fail to impress. Even if she is only wearing half a dress, she does it with conviction and even a touch of class; one can’t help to fall in love with her! She has a figure to die for and her make-up, although perhaps a little OTT, goes with the dramatic statement of the outfit. ‘She looks beautiful’ pretty much sums this up. I have just realised, I’ve not really discussed her attire that much, but who cares? She’s Cheryl Cole, she could go out in a binbag and no-one would notice. One criticism - her shoes give her toe –cleavage. This upsets me a little bit.

And the bit you really want to see - the blunders...

Jesse J - love your voice, hate your outfit choice! I’m not entirely sure what sort of look she’s going for here. It’s sort of a cross between a trashy dress you might find on a market stall along with the shoulder structuring of one of Gaga’s wacky designs. This results in the Brit award winning popstar somewhat resembling a type of sea creature. Now I’m no expert, but you don’t have to be to work out that that’s not a great look and one that should never be repeated again. Ever Jesse J! I do love her songs though so I’m not going to let this terrible choice of styling, which might I add, she collected an award in(!!),put me of purchasing her album.

Now. Where to start with this one? The heels: wrong. The dress: wrong. The weird feathered bustle at the back: WRONG. Sorry Eliza Dolittle this just yells terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE and is, in all honesty, one of the worst outfits I have seen at any of the celebrity events! No offence, lovely songs, but everything from the straggly hair to patchy fake tan, not to mention the various elements of horror incorporated in this get up, is just so off the mark it’s actually quite surreal. (What is going on with all the holes at the back of the dress and the ones under the armpit? Not even going to attempt to try and figure it out. Let’s just move on….)

Bafta Beauties and Uglies
The Baftas then, another opportunity for the world of glamorous actors and actresses to show the ridiculous amounts of money they possess by flaunting themselves on the red carpet done up to the nines. Let’s see who gets it right and who gets it very wrong indeed (yes you Edith Bowman.)

Jessica Alba - one of the most fancied/sexiest/wanted etc etc females on the planet at the moment, so really you would have thought we’d all be sick of her. However, there is no denying that she looks absolutely stunning in this simple, yet extremely elegant, electric blue gown. The colour is bang on, so there is no need for lavish accessories or anything extra at all really. How irrititating. Would have been far more fun to put her in the ‘worst dressed’ pile!

Tilda Swinton opts for quite a controversial outfit here of the trouser suit and tuxedo-blazer combination. I think this is a very brave choice as she knows that everyone raves on about the fabulous dresses that are demonstrated on the red-carpet, which in effect, is more like a catwalk. To rebel against this and rock up in a stereotypically ‘male’ outfit is a scary thing to do! I for one am glad she did this though; it goes against all the hype of the ball gowns and which designer was used (although I don’t doubt for a second that this outfit was not designer) and proves that you don’t have to be dressed up like a dog’s dinner to still look glamorous. Initially my reaction was why isn’t she dressed up?! However, on closer inspection, she works the ‘Hollywood sensation’ look in a very subtle and refined way. Tilda takes the androgynous look to the max, although ironically this makes her all the more sexier and I would even go as far to say that this one of my favourite outfits. Well done Tilda.

Now onto the uglies, again I am referring to the outfits and not the people in them. Sorted.

JK Rowling, a very talented and imaginative writer, but clearly not so when it comes to selecting an outfit for potentially one of the most important nights of the year/her life. A full length dress - which I hasten to add is a little too long - of faux snake skin (although heaven forbid if it was real, that would be far worse) is a definite no-no on a woman with a more realistic figure, i.e. one with breasts of her own. It’s just not flattering in any way, I am sorry Jk, really I am.

I’m also sorry Edith Bowman, but this (aside from Helena Bonham-Carter’s Brit award eyesore) this has to be one of the worst outfits to walk the red carpet at the Baftas. To me, it just screams dull, except it doesn’t scream it, it whispers it from the corner of the women’s institute. I really don’t like being mean as Edith seems so sweet on the radio (yes I’m one of those who thinks they know people just by listening to, or watching, them on tv) but the dress is one of the most unattractive things I’ve ever seen. I know it’s not all about sex, but in order to be glamorous, which I thought was the point, then there must surely be a hint of leg or cleavage?! Perhaps I’m being too trashy. I do think the outfit is smart, but it definitely would not be out of place at a funeral. Sorry to lower the tone! She perhaps could have livened the outfit up with some sexy secretary red shoes. Better luck next time Edith.

And the person who stole the show?

Oh Gaga how we love you!( Well me and Charlotte do anyway so expect many more Gaga related posts!) Last week, the queen of all things wild and wacky in pop and fashion right now, sauntered into Thierry Mugler’s fashion show in a see through leopard print catsuit with the most rule-defying boots one could imagine. To see this outfit on anybody else would be a traumatic experience BUT on the Gaga it seems almost natural for her to wear such a thing. It is mad, it is crazy and, more annoyingly, she pulls it off effortlessly! The photos show her strutting down the catwalk in lampshade-like hats and corsets (designed by Thierry Mugler). Although they might not be something you’d pop down to ASDA in, they’re beautiful in their own right! I’m intrigued by what she’s going to do next!

Here's the full video of the proceedings for your viewing pleasure!